Emotional abuse can be controversial in some ways. It is harder to define than sexual abuse, and nearly impossible to see. Unlike physical abuse, no bruises are left behind. What makes things even MORE complicated is that an emotional abuser can even say that they are the victim, and not the other way around.
The abuse may actually go both ways. But in any case, it is important to figure out what defines emotional abuse so you can make sure you aren't silently taking it.... or dishing it out.
Emotional abuse includes words and actions (or the LACK of words and actions) that lead a person to feel powerless, unimportant, worthless, confused, and trapped. The abuse is pervasive. That means it is common in the relationship. It isn't a single conversation or a bad weekend. It is ongoing, typically, without real apology or accountability. Examples from Beverly Engel (a prolific writer on the subject) include:
1. Embarrassing you on purpose
2. Ignoring you
3. Insulting you
4. Refusing to talk to you
5. Being intensely critical of you
6. Threatening suicide if you leave
7. Saying "I'd love you more if...."
8. Using money to control you
9. Making cruel jokes about you
10. Threatening "if you don't ____, I'll ____"
11. Unreasonably jealous
12. Using guilt to control
13. Keeping you from friends or family
14. Blaming you for most everything
15. Keeping tabs on you via constant phone calls or texts
16. Withholding affection
17. Lying
18. Affairs
19. Flirting with someone else (if you are partners)
20. Mean spirited sarcasm/mean voice
21. Extreme moods
The person giving the abusive often does not know they are doing it. Nonetheless, you can ask for better treatment. You can go over these points with them and talk about when these things show up and how you feel about it.
If it is YOU dishing it out, you can ask yourself to do better, and you can take accountability for how you are affecting others.
How to set boundaries on abuse, and how likely it is that change will occur....well, that is a topic for another day!
